Yesterday almost went by without my noticing the date. It is an important date in our story. It is the date on which my water broke two years ago.
As the day began, I went about my business just as I did then. I had no idea what day it was or why it was significant, just like I had no idea two years prior that my life was about to change. Then, it snuck up on me. While sitting at the computer, I moved the mouse to the bottom corner of my screen, and there it was -- December 12, the day I had been sitting on the floor of my living room, wrapping a present when another feeling snuck up on me.
An anniversay is something to celebrate or commemorate. I'm not exactly sure which I should have done on this occasion because it is one that symbolizes a beginning and an end. In it is intertwined both love and loss. No, I did not lose my baby, but there is a part of me that was lost that day, the part that believed I and my baby were safe. I will probably never regain that part of me. I'm not sure that I want to, though, because while I did lose something that day, I gained something else, something I did not truly appreciate until faced with a crisis -- the love and compassion of others manifested in the thoughts, prayers, and visits of people from all different parts of my life. It was on December 12 that I realized the truth in one of my favorite quotes: "No man is an island."
December 12 began a learning experience unlike any other in my life, one that taught me both the fear of the unknown and how to overcome it. December 12 is not the day that Buzzy was born; however, something was born in me that day, something that I am still trying to understand two years later.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
A Somber Occasion
I am very saddened today by the loss of another woman's baby. I learned from one of my students in class last night that Michelle Duggar has miscarried her 20th child. Many have said that with her age and previous history that she should not have been having another baby. Perhaps not, but who are they to judge? Having a baby, no matter the circumstances, is a decision only the couple can make.
Though I have nothing else in common with Mrs. Duggar, I feel a sense of connection to this woman I have never met. Her 19th child was born just a month before my 2nd. Both were premature. Hers was born at 25 weeks and mine at 28. I was in the hospital on bed rest while her baby was in the first few weeks of her long NICU stay. When I learned the news that little Josie Duggar had arrived early, I began frantically searching the Internet for updates on her condition. I wanted to know how she was doing as her story would likely be that of my own baby. When the shows featuring their experience with prematurity aired, I watched them. Their experience was so much like my own that I often found myself in tears.
When the Duggars announced that they were expecting number 20, I was hopeful and excited. I was looking forward to the delivery of a healthy baby after their previous ordeal. I was also offended by the negative comments made against them. Yes, she is of advanced maternal age, and yes, she has a previous history that includes miscarriage, preeclampsia, and premature birth. Are these legitimate reasons to villify a couple who wants to add another child to their family? Will I meet with the same criticism if I decide to have another baby? Though I am not as old as Mrs. Duggar, I am technically of advanced maternal age. I also have experienced a preterm birth. Both of these factors increase my risk of developing problems in any future pregnancies. And both scare me.
Today, as I think about the Duggar family, I wonder about my own. Will I be able to conceive and carry a healthy baby to term considering my risk factors? If I do become pregnant, will I meet with the same fate? I wish I could know the answers to these questions. For now, all I can do is shed a tear for another woman's loss and hope it does not become my own.
Though I have nothing else in common with Mrs. Duggar, I feel a sense of connection to this woman I have never met. Her 19th child was born just a month before my 2nd. Both were premature. Hers was born at 25 weeks and mine at 28. I was in the hospital on bed rest while her baby was in the first few weeks of her long NICU stay. When I learned the news that little Josie Duggar had arrived early, I began frantically searching the Internet for updates on her condition. I wanted to know how she was doing as her story would likely be that of my own baby. When the shows featuring their experience with prematurity aired, I watched them. Their experience was so much like my own that I often found myself in tears.
When the Duggars announced that they were expecting number 20, I was hopeful and excited. I was looking forward to the delivery of a healthy baby after their previous ordeal. I was also offended by the negative comments made against them. Yes, she is of advanced maternal age, and yes, she has a previous history that includes miscarriage, preeclampsia, and premature birth. Are these legitimate reasons to villify a couple who wants to add another child to their family? Will I meet with the same criticism if I decide to have another baby? Though I am not as old as Mrs. Duggar, I am technically of advanced maternal age. I also have experienced a preterm birth. Both of these factors increase my risk of developing problems in any future pregnancies. And both scare me.
Today, as I think about the Duggar family, I wonder about my own. Will I be able to conceive and carry a healthy baby to term considering my risk factors? If I do become pregnant, will I meet with the same fate? I wish I could know the answers to these questions. For now, all I can do is shed a tear for another woman's loss and hope it does not become my own.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Zen
noun
a Japanese sect of Mahayana Buddhism that aims at enlightenment by direct intuition through meditation
(Source: "Zen." Merriam-Webster website.)
Today marks the conclusion of my month-long reflection on the experience of having a premature baby. I realize that this post is actually a day late, and I am going to blame that on the intense meditation it takes to draw the final conclusions you will read here. (My students often use a similar excuse. When I ask where an assignment is, a few are brave enough to say, "It's in my head.")
Over the last month, I have learned a few things both from my reflections and the process of putting them into words. On the latter, I have realized how difficult it is to keep up with a daily writing goal. My schedule and children leave me with very little free time, especially during the school week, and on the weekends, I found it difficult to motivate myself to complete the task. Many of my posts were written at the end of the day and felt very much like an afterthought. Yet, this task was of great importance to me because the subject matter is very close to my heart. Thus, even if my musings seemed more like ramblings, I feel the sense of accomplishment one gets from setting a goal and seeing it through to the end.
In putting my thoughts into words, I have learned quite a bit about the journey my family has made. I have also learned a few things about myself. First, I now know that I have much more strength than I realize, and so does my family. Having a preemie requires each member of a family to stretch themselves to the limit and then some. Though at times it may have felt like we were going to break, all of us made it through with no lasting damage.
Another lesson I have learned is to let go of fear. There is certainly quite a bit of that involved in having a sick baby, and some of it stays with a person long after all is well. There is the fear that something will go wrong, and in the case of a premature baby, it often does. Such fear is not a vague fear of the unknown either because a parent of a preemie knows exactly what can go wrong. Yet, living in fear only means that one misses out on what goes right. Buzzy has been slow in weight gain and language development. I can live in fear that she will always be small and slower than her peers, or I can celebrate the fact that she now weighs enough to sit in a forward-facing car seat and has enough cognitive awareness to clearly respond with an "I don't know" when asked a question. Will her prematurity cause any lifelong problems for her? It is possible, but seeing the ways in which she has exceeded expectations is enough to give this pessimist hope.
I leave you with the following hopeful words:
We do not learn by experience, but by our capacity for experience
- Buddha
Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.
- Helen Keller
a Japanese sect of Mahayana Buddhism that aims at enlightenment by direct intuition through meditation
(Source: "Zen." Merriam-Webster website.)
Today marks the conclusion of my month-long reflection on the experience of having a premature baby. I realize that this post is actually a day late, and I am going to blame that on the intense meditation it takes to draw the final conclusions you will read here. (My students often use a similar excuse. When I ask where an assignment is, a few are brave enough to say, "It's in my head.")
Over the last month, I have learned a few things both from my reflections and the process of putting them into words. On the latter, I have realized how difficult it is to keep up with a daily writing goal. My schedule and children leave me with very little free time, especially during the school week, and on the weekends, I found it difficult to motivate myself to complete the task. Many of my posts were written at the end of the day and felt very much like an afterthought. Yet, this task was of great importance to me because the subject matter is very close to my heart. Thus, even if my musings seemed more like ramblings, I feel the sense of accomplishment one gets from setting a goal and seeing it through to the end.
In putting my thoughts into words, I have learned quite a bit about the journey my family has made. I have also learned a few things about myself. First, I now know that I have much more strength than I realize, and so does my family. Having a preemie requires each member of a family to stretch themselves to the limit and then some. Though at times it may have felt like we were going to break, all of us made it through with no lasting damage.
Another lesson I have learned is to let go of fear. There is certainly quite a bit of that involved in having a sick baby, and some of it stays with a person long after all is well. There is the fear that something will go wrong, and in the case of a premature baby, it often does. Such fear is not a vague fear of the unknown either because a parent of a preemie knows exactly what can go wrong. Yet, living in fear only means that one misses out on what goes right. Buzzy has been slow in weight gain and language development. I can live in fear that she will always be small and slower than her peers, or I can celebrate the fact that she now weighs enough to sit in a forward-facing car seat and has enough cognitive awareness to clearly respond with an "I don't know" when asked a question. Will her prematurity cause any lifelong problems for her? It is possible, but seeing the ways in which she has exceeded expectations is enough to give this pessimist hope.
I leave you with the following hopeful words:
We do not learn by experience, but by our capacity for experience
- Buddha
Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.
- Helen Keller
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