Yesterday almost went by without my noticing the date. It is an important date in our story. It is the date on which my water broke two years ago.
As the day began, I went about my business just as I did then. I had no idea what day it was or why it was significant, just like I had no idea two years prior that my life was about to change. Then, it snuck up on me. While sitting at the computer, I moved the mouse to the bottom corner of my screen, and there it was -- December 12, the day I had been sitting on the floor of my living room, wrapping a present when another feeling snuck up on me.
An anniversay is something to celebrate or commemorate. I'm not exactly sure which I should have done on this occasion because it is one that symbolizes a beginning and an end. In it is intertwined both love and loss. No, I did not lose my baby, but there is a part of me that was lost that day, the part that believed I and my baby were safe. I will probably never regain that part of me. I'm not sure that I want to, though, because while I did lose something that day, I gained something else, something I did not truly appreciate until faced with a crisis -- the love and compassion of others manifested in the thoughts, prayers, and visits of people from all different parts of my life. It was on December 12 that I realized the truth in one of my favorite quotes: "No man is an island."
December 12 began a learning experience unlike any other in my life, one that taught me both the fear of the unknown and how to overcome it. December 12 is not the day that Buzzy was born; however, something was born in me that day, something that I am still trying to understand two years later.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
A Somber Occasion
I am very saddened today by the loss of another woman's baby. I learned from one of my students in class last night that Michelle Duggar has miscarried her 20th child. Many have said that with her age and previous history that she should not have been having another baby. Perhaps not, but who are they to judge? Having a baby, no matter the circumstances, is a decision only the couple can make.
Though I have nothing else in common with Mrs. Duggar, I feel a sense of connection to this woman I have never met. Her 19th child was born just a month before my 2nd. Both were premature. Hers was born at 25 weeks and mine at 28. I was in the hospital on bed rest while her baby was in the first few weeks of her long NICU stay. When I learned the news that little Josie Duggar had arrived early, I began frantically searching the Internet for updates on her condition. I wanted to know how she was doing as her story would likely be that of my own baby. When the shows featuring their experience with prematurity aired, I watched them. Their experience was so much like my own that I often found myself in tears.
When the Duggars announced that they were expecting number 20, I was hopeful and excited. I was looking forward to the delivery of a healthy baby after their previous ordeal. I was also offended by the negative comments made against them. Yes, she is of advanced maternal age, and yes, she has a previous history that includes miscarriage, preeclampsia, and premature birth. Are these legitimate reasons to villify a couple who wants to add another child to their family? Will I meet with the same criticism if I decide to have another baby? Though I am not as old as Mrs. Duggar, I am technically of advanced maternal age. I also have experienced a preterm birth. Both of these factors increase my risk of developing problems in any future pregnancies. And both scare me.
Today, as I think about the Duggar family, I wonder about my own. Will I be able to conceive and carry a healthy baby to term considering my risk factors? If I do become pregnant, will I meet with the same fate? I wish I could know the answers to these questions. For now, all I can do is shed a tear for another woman's loss and hope it does not become my own.
Though I have nothing else in common with Mrs. Duggar, I feel a sense of connection to this woman I have never met. Her 19th child was born just a month before my 2nd. Both were premature. Hers was born at 25 weeks and mine at 28. I was in the hospital on bed rest while her baby was in the first few weeks of her long NICU stay. When I learned the news that little Josie Duggar had arrived early, I began frantically searching the Internet for updates on her condition. I wanted to know how she was doing as her story would likely be that of my own baby. When the shows featuring their experience with prematurity aired, I watched them. Their experience was so much like my own that I often found myself in tears.
When the Duggars announced that they were expecting number 20, I was hopeful and excited. I was looking forward to the delivery of a healthy baby after their previous ordeal. I was also offended by the negative comments made against them. Yes, she is of advanced maternal age, and yes, she has a previous history that includes miscarriage, preeclampsia, and premature birth. Are these legitimate reasons to villify a couple who wants to add another child to their family? Will I meet with the same criticism if I decide to have another baby? Though I am not as old as Mrs. Duggar, I am technically of advanced maternal age. I also have experienced a preterm birth. Both of these factors increase my risk of developing problems in any future pregnancies. And both scare me.
Today, as I think about the Duggar family, I wonder about my own. Will I be able to conceive and carry a healthy baby to term considering my risk factors? If I do become pregnant, will I meet with the same fate? I wish I could know the answers to these questions. For now, all I can do is shed a tear for another woman's loss and hope it does not become my own.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Zen
noun
a Japanese sect of Mahayana Buddhism that aims at enlightenment by direct intuition through meditation
(Source: "Zen." Merriam-Webster website.)
Today marks the conclusion of my month-long reflection on the experience of having a premature baby. I realize that this post is actually a day late, and I am going to blame that on the intense meditation it takes to draw the final conclusions you will read here. (My students often use a similar excuse. When I ask where an assignment is, a few are brave enough to say, "It's in my head.")
Over the last month, I have learned a few things both from my reflections and the process of putting them into words. On the latter, I have realized how difficult it is to keep up with a daily writing goal. My schedule and children leave me with very little free time, especially during the school week, and on the weekends, I found it difficult to motivate myself to complete the task. Many of my posts were written at the end of the day and felt very much like an afterthought. Yet, this task was of great importance to me because the subject matter is very close to my heart. Thus, even if my musings seemed more like ramblings, I feel the sense of accomplishment one gets from setting a goal and seeing it through to the end.
In putting my thoughts into words, I have learned quite a bit about the journey my family has made. I have also learned a few things about myself. First, I now know that I have much more strength than I realize, and so does my family. Having a preemie requires each member of a family to stretch themselves to the limit and then some. Though at times it may have felt like we were going to break, all of us made it through with no lasting damage.
Another lesson I have learned is to let go of fear. There is certainly quite a bit of that involved in having a sick baby, and some of it stays with a person long after all is well. There is the fear that something will go wrong, and in the case of a premature baby, it often does. Such fear is not a vague fear of the unknown either because a parent of a preemie knows exactly what can go wrong. Yet, living in fear only means that one misses out on what goes right. Buzzy has been slow in weight gain and language development. I can live in fear that she will always be small and slower than her peers, or I can celebrate the fact that she now weighs enough to sit in a forward-facing car seat and has enough cognitive awareness to clearly respond with an "I don't know" when asked a question. Will her prematurity cause any lifelong problems for her? It is possible, but seeing the ways in which she has exceeded expectations is enough to give this pessimist hope.
I leave you with the following hopeful words:
We do not learn by experience, but by our capacity for experience
- Buddha
Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.
- Helen Keller
a Japanese sect of Mahayana Buddhism that aims at enlightenment by direct intuition through meditation
(Source: "Zen." Merriam-Webster website.)
Today marks the conclusion of my month-long reflection on the experience of having a premature baby. I realize that this post is actually a day late, and I am going to blame that on the intense meditation it takes to draw the final conclusions you will read here. (My students often use a similar excuse. When I ask where an assignment is, a few are brave enough to say, "It's in my head.")
Over the last month, I have learned a few things both from my reflections and the process of putting them into words. On the latter, I have realized how difficult it is to keep up with a daily writing goal. My schedule and children leave me with very little free time, especially during the school week, and on the weekends, I found it difficult to motivate myself to complete the task. Many of my posts were written at the end of the day and felt very much like an afterthought. Yet, this task was of great importance to me because the subject matter is very close to my heart. Thus, even if my musings seemed more like ramblings, I feel the sense of accomplishment one gets from setting a goal and seeing it through to the end.
In putting my thoughts into words, I have learned quite a bit about the journey my family has made. I have also learned a few things about myself. First, I now know that I have much more strength than I realize, and so does my family. Having a preemie requires each member of a family to stretch themselves to the limit and then some. Though at times it may have felt like we were going to break, all of us made it through with no lasting damage.
Another lesson I have learned is to let go of fear. There is certainly quite a bit of that involved in having a sick baby, and some of it stays with a person long after all is well. There is the fear that something will go wrong, and in the case of a premature baby, it often does. Such fear is not a vague fear of the unknown either because a parent of a preemie knows exactly what can go wrong. Yet, living in fear only means that one misses out on what goes right. Buzzy has been slow in weight gain and language development. I can live in fear that she will always be small and slower than her peers, or I can celebrate the fact that she now weighs enough to sit in a forward-facing car seat and has enough cognitive awareness to clearly respond with an "I don't know" when asked a question. Will her prematurity cause any lifelong problems for her? It is possible, but seeing the ways in which she has exceeded expectations is enough to give this pessimist hope.
I leave you with the following hopeful words:
We do not learn by experience, but by our capacity for experience
- Buddha
Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.
- Helen Keller
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Yo-yo
In the first few days of our NICU journey, one of the nurses told us that it would be like a roller coaster. With its ups and downs and twists and turns, it was at times a bumpy ride. I would also compare it to a yo-yo. This might seem an unlikely metaphor because a yo-yo's ups and downs are steadier than a stay in the NICU. Yet, for me it works because I am one of those people who cannot seem to keep a yo-yo going. I try, but it always ends up spinning out of control.
There were certainly times that it felt like everything was out of control. At least it was out of our control. Buzzy was the one who determined the pace of things. How well she did with kangaroo care determined how long and how often we could hold her. How well she maintained her breathing rate and oxygen saturation determined when she could come off the oxygen. How she handled bottle feeds determined when she could come home. Sometimes the yo-yo was moving in the right direction, and other times it was just out of our reach.
The day Buzzy got to come home was like mastering the rhythm of the yo-yo and making a final flourishing catch. It was indeed a proud moment that we held tightly to. Since she has been home, we have been happy to be on a more even keel have even picked up a few tricks along the way.
There were certainly times that it felt like everything was out of control. At least it was out of our control. Buzzy was the one who determined the pace of things. How well she did with kangaroo care determined how long and how often we could hold her. How well she maintained her breathing rate and oxygen saturation determined when she could come off the oxygen. How she handled bottle feeds determined when she could come home. Sometimes the yo-yo was moving in the right direction, and other times it was just out of our reach.
The day Buzzy got to come home was like mastering the rhythm of the yo-yo and making a final flourishing catch. It was indeed a proud moment that we held tightly to. Since she has been home, we have been happy to be on a more even keel have even picked up a few tricks along the way.
Monday, November 28, 2011
X-Ray
I had my first X-ray when I got my retainer sometime in late elementary school. I remember sitting in a chair as a machine swung around my head taking a picture of my teeth. I wore a heavy lead vest to protect my internal organs, a vest that weighed more than my child did when she had her first X-ray.
The purpose of Buzzy's X-ray was to ensure good placement of the PICC line we consented to. This line went into her heart to deliver the medications she needed. It was a more permanent solution to the frequent IVs she had. After weighing the options, we decided to go with the PICC line to save Buzzy from having to be poked frequently. Ironically, it was only a few days after the PICC line was placed that she no longer needed the medications she received in those first couple of weeks. Thus, the PICC line was removed, and we only saved Buzzy from a couple of days of IV treatments.
In hindsight, I wish we had not consented to the PICC line so that Buzzy did not have to be exposed to the radiation of the X-ray. Yet, as I have heard it said, "Hindsight is 20/20." We could not have known that the PICC line would be removed only a few days after it was put in, and if we had it to do all over again, we would probably do no differently. Having one procedure done certainly sounds better than putting in a new IV each time it is needed, and with babies whose veins are minuscule, IVs have to be changed much more frequently than in an adult. Buzzy would have had to be stuck several times over those few days.
Parenting often involves choosing the lesser of two evils, and for us, the PICC line and accompanying X-ray seemed a good choice. It is not a choice every parent has to make, but I realize that in comparison to all that we will encounter as Buzzy's parents, having an X-ray will not be the most difficult.
The purpose of Buzzy's X-ray was to ensure good placement of the PICC line we consented to. This line went into her heart to deliver the medications she needed. It was a more permanent solution to the frequent IVs she had. After weighing the options, we decided to go with the PICC line to save Buzzy from having to be poked frequently. Ironically, it was only a few days after the PICC line was placed that she no longer needed the medications she received in those first couple of weeks. Thus, the PICC line was removed, and we only saved Buzzy from a couple of days of IV treatments.
In hindsight, I wish we had not consented to the PICC line so that Buzzy did not have to be exposed to the radiation of the X-ray. Yet, as I have heard it said, "Hindsight is 20/20." We could not have known that the PICC line would be removed only a few days after it was put in, and if we had it to do all over again, we would probably do no differently. Having one procedure done certainly sounds better than putting in a new IV each time it is needed, and with babies whose veins are minuscule, IVs have to be changed much more frequently than in an adult. Buzzy would have had to be stuck several times over those few days.
Parenting often involves choosing the lesser of two evils, and for us, the PICC line and accompanying X-ray seemed a good choice. It is not a choice every parent has to make, but I realize that in comparison to all that we will encounter as Buzzy's parents, having an X-ray will not be the most difficult.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Wearing Clothes
In preparation for the Christmas holidays and the new clothes each of my children will undoubtedly receive, we recently sorted through the piles of clothes that no longer fit. Buried deep in the pile were Buzzy's preemie clothes. I was shocked to see how small they are and even more so when my older daughter began dressing her baby dolls in the clothes her sister had to grow into.
In a previous post, I mentioned that wearing clothes was one of the milestones we looked forward to while Buzzy was in the NICU. We could not dress her in baby clothes until she was over a month old. Instead, she wore only a diaper during the time that she resided in her Isolette. When it was time to move to a bassinet, we started dressing her in the clothes we had begun collecting in anticipation of the day she could. When that day finally arrived, she had almost outgrown them, and by the time we took her home, Buzzy had grown into newborn clothes. Now her preemie clothes have been handed down to a bunch of dolls.
I imagine that one day Buzzy will be dressing her dolls in the clothes she once wore. When that day comes, I will show her the pictures of her wearing them, and when she asks me why I am crying, I probably won't be able to do anything but hug my big girl.
In a previous post, I mentioned that wearing clothes was one of the milestones we looked forward to while Buzzy was in the NICU. We could not dress her in baby clothes until she was over a month old. Instead, she wore only a diaper during the time that she resided in her Isolette. When it was time to move to a bassinet, we started dressing her in the clothes we had begun collecting in anticipation of the day she could. When that day finally arrived, she had almost outgrown them, and by the time we took her home, Buzzy had grown into newborn clothes. Now her preemie clothes have been handed down to a bunch of dolls.
I imagine that one day Buzzy will be dressing her dolls in the clothes she once wore. When that day comes, I will show her the pictures of her wearing them, and when she asks me why I am crying, I probably won't be able to do anything but hug my big girl.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Vaccines
Today, we returned from our three-day trek to spend Thanksgiving with my family. It was great fun seeing Buzzy and her sister play with the aunts, uncles, and cousin. It was even better knowing that we didn't have to worry about Buzzy getting sick. She is past the point that we have to worry about one of the top fears concerning a premature baby: RSV.
Though it may not be commonly known, RSV is a common occurrence among babies, both full-term and premature. For most full-term babies, RSV will likely only show up as a simple cold. If a preemie gets RSV, however, he or she will likely end up back in the hospital fighting for his or her life.
Because of her low birth weight, Buzzy qualified for the RSV shot. This is an expensive shot that is not available to all babies. It is not included on the list of vaccines a baby needs before his or her first birthday. Yet, it is probably the most important vaccine Buzzy got. Last fall and winter, she received five doses, and the only illness we had to battle was a recurring ear infection.
This year, we do not qualify, and we do not have to worry so much about Buzzy catching something life-threatening. I am glad for that. It was not much fun watching her get any of her shots, but the RSV one was particularly painful to watch because the nurse actually came to our house to inflict this pain on our child. Yet, watching a healthy toddler running to catch up to her older sister and cousin makes it all worth it. I hope everyone had as good a Thanksgiving as I did.
Though it may not be commonly known, RSV is a common occurrence among babies, both full-term and premature. For most full-term babies, RSV will likely only show up as a simple cold. If a preemie gets RSV, however, he or she will likely end up back in the hospital fighting for his or her life.
Because of her low birth weight, Buzzy qualified for the RSV shot. This is an expensive shot that is not available to all babies. It is not included on the list of vaccines a baby needs before his or her first birthday. Yet, it is probably the most important vaccine Buzzy got. Last fall and winter, she received five doses, and the only illness we had to battle was a recurring ear infection.
This year, we do not qualify, and we do not have to worry so much about Buzzy catching something life-threatening. I am glad for that. It was not much fun watching her get any of her shots, but the RSV one was particularly painful to watch because the nurse actually came to our house to inflict this pain on our child. Yet, watching a healthy toddler running to catch up to her older sister and cousin makes it all worth it. I hope everyone had as good a Thanksgiving as I did.
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